Thoughts From Tess

Classic Style

Found a fun link here  :)  Although I think an Aston Martin Vanquish would better suit me!!

You are a Porsche 911!

 

You have a classic style, but you're up-to-date with the latest technology.  You're ambitious, competitive, and you love to win.  Performance, precision, and prestige - you're one of the elite, and you know it.

Beginning

I sit here at the computer... forcing myself to write... something... anything.  For most of my life, writing has been the balm for my soul... whether in the dozens of journals packed safely away or here in this electronic realm.  And now... at a time when my soul is desperately seeking a safe haven... the words escape me.  That place deep inside that the words once rushed from now seems to be a gaping black hole... void of thought or solace.  So I made the conscious decision to put words in this white empty space... regardless of their emptiness... regardless of the random wandering.

It's a beginning.

Random Words

Found the link to this nifty little word generator at Pomegranates and Paper this morning... thanks to another link from Fran at Sacred Ordinary.  It searches through your blog... or other web page... and comes up with a word picture of the words it finds there.  I read through the words it found in my musings... and decided that it says quite a bit.. now I have to mull over it.  Leaves me wondering how much words chosen at random from over a year of my life really means... how defining are these words, these thoughts... how true am I to myself.   And then... on the lighter side, some of these words just bring back really happy, fun memories!!

Missing My Baby

My daughter has been away for the last two days... she comes home tomorrow.  She's only been a few hours away... just hanging out at my mom's in Southern California.  It's her Spring Break from school and since I had to work most of the week, it was a fun option for her... and they've been having a blast.  But I MISS her!!

I miss her companionship... her thoughtfulness... her sense of humor... the sound of the mischief that she and her brother conjure up together... heck, I even miss the moods!! 

She's become such a spectacular young lady... still 16, almost 17 and all that includes... but a person that I'm incredibly proud to call my daughter.  She's written a couple of things lately that I'm hoping she'll give me permission to share here... she's actually quite an excellent writer... and of course, I'm not at all biased  :)

Sigh...

Nothing like a good computer crash to put things in perspective for you.  Two days of aggravation, the final crash, the purchase of a new hard drive, the beginning of reinstallation of mountains of software... not to mention the withdrawal symptoms... and the sheer, through-the-ceiling stress level.

But (knocking wood and bowing to the computer gods) it appears that all is functioning correctly... finally.  I had forgotten what an ordeal I survived!  After all, that's what I do best  :)

On top of that, I'm having a huge battle with my insurance agent back in Washington state... he doesn't really want to transfer my policies to Arizona, so he's not being very cooperative... and Southern charm isn't getting me anywhere, so the gloves are coming off... wish me luck!!

Moving On

Goodness, this is not where I expected to be at this point in my life!!  I expected (almost) 45 to be a settled and secure place... not a place of constant upheaval and uncertainty.  When I sit and look at where my life was one year ago... and compare that to where my life is today... It kind of looks like a downhill slide.  And I grieve for what has been lost.

The good news is that I think I see myself and my life more clearly today than ever before... and I still see a lot of happy, positive things.  I also see things I need to do in order to keep moving forward in a positive way.  In a lot of ways, I've sold myself short... and I've settled.  If you've visited here in the past, you know how much I hate having to admit to that fact... settling is one of the things I've been committed to avoiding.  But somewhere in the process, that's what I've done.  I've accepted other people's rules... other people's conditions... even when they impacted my life in negative ways.  It's time to move on. 

I expect the moving on to be painful... but I also expect the results to be well worth the pain... a step back to owning who I am and what my life is about.  I think that sometimes we have to drift pretty far off center before we can clearly see how badly we're in need of a mid-course correction.

Looking Back

I used to think that the Biblical story of Lot and his wife was a bit curious.  After all, with fire raining down on them and their lives at risk, why on earth would they stop to look back?!?  And from all accounts, the city that they lived in had seen better days.  Yet, God saw fit to make the point of warning them not to look back... and yes, Lot's wife looked back... and was turned to a pillar of salt.

Today, I better understand the warning.  I understand that even when the goodbye has for all intents and purposes been said, it's hard to act upon.  Looking back is a strong desire... and holding on, no matter how wrong we know it may be, even stronger.  Even when we know that what we have isn't really ours, we keep clinging to it... either of desperation or hope... and neither is motivation enough to justify the act.

Seeking Pollyanna

I'm sorry for my sporadic posting the last couple of months... I keep promising myself that I'll set aside time to write and to check in here... and then I just run out of time and energy.

My frame of mind isn't the greatest... and I'm spending a lot of time seeking my inner Pollyanna.  She's been there my entire life, so I know she's still there... I just have to wake her!

This Moment

"....Because it reminds us that this life is a gift, it is short, and it is NOT guaranteed. Tomorrow is not yours. Today - this moment - this is what you have – it is what you’ve been given. What are you doing with it? Where’s your head? Who do you serve? Who do you glorify? What will be your legacy?"

The above excerpt is from Ordered Chaos... I encourage you to go read this entire piece by Tracy... and then... Seize the Day!!

"Imperturbabality"

"Stoics sought (peace of mind and tranquility of the soul) through practicing "imperturbability," the acceptance of one's lot with serenity and courage."

In reading (again) through "The Consequences of Ideas" by R. C. Sproul (from which the above quote is taken) this week, a 'new' word jumped out at me.  This is one of those books that I've read over and over again since it was published five years ago... because every time I read it a new nugget appears that I never noticed before.

I've always been a bit enamored of the Stoics.  Not totally, because I could never completely buy into a concept without a God... but still enamored of the philosophy to an extent.  Sproul's nutshell wrap up of the section in the book says

"The views of the ancient Stoics constitute what we now describe as a stoical attitude toward life, the philosophy of the "stiff upper lip," by which nothing ever rattles us or causes us to despair.  When one perfects the practice of imperturbability, the soul remains in a state of tranquil bliss."

I know that the only real peace I can ever achieve comes from a source far greater than myself... and that it is a peace that can't be explained or understood.  But I still long for a life of tranquil bliss... and struggle daily with the part of me that gets in the way of that.  I long for that state of "imperturbabality".