Thoughts From Tess

Me and My Girl

Goofing around with my daughter this week-end... not a photographic masterpiece, but we sure were having fun!!  Two weeks until her 17th birthday... how the years have flown!  And soon her brother will be 20... no more a teen-ager.  Am I really that old?!?

Need vs Want

Saturday morning.  Day One of a week-end that will pass far too quickly.  I've spent my morning so far obsessing about how to make these two days absolutely wonderful.  How to accomplish all the things that need to be done... cleaning, laundry, dog walks, grocery shopping... and still have time for the things that I want to do... church tomorrow morning, maybe some miniature golf, time with each of my kids, a little time in the sun by the pool.  And, ya know... it just doesn't all fit.  I'm tired of weeks and week-ends that simply spin by in a blur of busy-ness... full of things that have to be done with no time left over for anything else.

I know myself well enough to know that there will be no internal peace for me at all next week if I don't get the things on the 'Need To' list done.  Those things will eat away at me... the cluttered pantry, the sheets that should have been changed, the dust that will call my name every single blooming minute I'm home.  The voices in my head will drive me to the point of tears if I don't get those things done... creating an environment in my apartment that I'm at ease with.

On the other hand, I would so like to just have some fun.  It seems so long since I've done something that was just a blast... not useful, not productive, not educational, not for someone else... just something that was fun.  I miss those moments.

I hope that the day is soon that I will accept this new place in my life.... that I will stop mourning the things that I can no longer have and experience and learn to find alternatives that still fit.  At nearly 45 years old, I have for the first time ever in my life reached a place where peace is just barely beyond my grasp... and I'm trying as hard as I can.

Sigh...

Nothing like a good computer crash to put things in perspective for you.  Two days of aggravation, the final crash, the purchase of a new hard drive, the beginning of reinstallation of mountains of software... not to mention the withdrawal symptoms... and the sheer, through-the-ceiling stress level.

But (knocking wood and bowing to the computer gods) it appears that all is functioning correctly... finally.  I had forgotten what an ordeal I survived!  After all, that's what I do best  :)

On top of that, I'm having a huge battle with my insurance agent back in Washington state... he doesn't really want to transfer my policies to Arizona, so he's not being very cooperative... and Southern charm isn't getting me anywhere, so the gloves are coming off... wish me luck!!

Seeking Pollyanna

I'm sorry for my sporadic posting the last couple of months... I keep promising myself that I'll set aside time to write and to check in here... and then I just run out of time and energy.

My frame of mind isn't the greatest... and I'm spending a lot of time seeking my inner Pollyanna.  She's been there my entire life, so I know she's still there... I just have to wake her!

Slamming Doors

I still find it amazing that the sound of one door slamming can so completely drown out the sound of a dozen more opening.  We are so resistant to loss... to endings... to perceived failure... that we often refuse to see the opportunities that these things present in our lives. 

Logic would say that the exercise of this routine over the years would teach us to embrace the endings and bravely move on to the new beginnings.  Instead we stubbornly hold on to the 'might have beens'... we claim failures that aren't ours... and we miss the joy of what lies in our path.

I pray for the courage to keep opening doors.

Faceless Soul

This is my latest Soul Collage card... Faceless Soul.  So many times the feelings are there... the heart is screamingly full... the music plays... and the pain and joy take turns at dance... but the face remains hidden from view.  What label should it wear? 

How can one soul hold so much diversity?  How can wisdom and emotion fight such a fierce battle with one another?  So often what we know and what we feel are polar opposites... and the need to have them collide in some semblance of reality is almost overwhelming.  I've always believed that my heart should rule... that it is the better judge of the things that truly matter.  But today, my heart is listening to my head... and realizing that sometimes the heart song isn't enough... no matter how desired its music is.

Overlooked Treasure

"When the most important things in our life happen, we quite often do not know, at the moment, what is going on."                   - C. S. Lewis

Wouldn't it be great if those watershed moments were announced with bells and whistles and large, neatly scribed writing on the wall?  How many forks in the road have been passed unnoticed?  How many opportunities missed?  How many treasures overlooked?

This newfound timidity and defensiveness in my heart creates a fear of its own.  I don't want to miss one of those milestone minutes... or experiences... or feelings. 

All Grown Up

I'm 44.  And to this day, I'm still waiting for that magical moment when I feel 'all grown up'.  When I feel like I have the answers... when I feel settled... or wise... or... well... something.

I've been a parent for over 19 of those years.  Doesn't 19 years of experience count for something?  Shouldn't I have the answers that my kids need me to have?  Shouldn't my responses to them be mature and intellectual and just oozing with authority and wisdom?

Can they see that hole in the armor?  And do they know that sometimes... on the inside... I still feel like a little girl? 

Life Changes

Sometimes even those things that seem to be the most catastrophic can in actuality be positives... even when they aren't fun and actually even when they're damned difficult.  Those things rise to the top that are truly important, you focus on the positives, you learn who is and isn't on your side, and you learn exactly what your non-negotiables are.

A friend has been trying to have me pin down non-negotiables for months... and I've been resistant to doing that.  I really don't like the concept of closing doors that firmly.  But I'm realizing that there are non-negotiables.  There are ways I expect to be treated and to be dealt with... there are things I want in relationships... there are things I want in life.  An experience a few months ago taught me that there are even things I want from life that I managed to avoid recognizing for 44 years... and some of those things are non-negotiable.  Just because what I want isn't what someone else wants doesn't make it wrong... it doesn't mean I shouldn't want it... it just means that I can't have it... and that I need to learn to guard my heart more closely.

Anyway... after that little disjointed ramble... we're settling into our apartment just outside of Phoenix... learning to adapt to the constant sunshine when we're used to constant rain this time of year... actually we're loving the constant sunshine.  My son and daughter and I are learning just how much we mean to each other... which I know sounds silly... we've always known that, but being in a completely new place really makes you recognize the good in one another.  I'm thankful that this is an adventure they were willing to take on as a part of the team with me.

Curve Balls

Life is one never-ending adventure, that's for sure.  Lost a job I thought I'd have forever... had to put my house up for sale as a result (which is NOT going well)... ended up moving to another state and living in a hotel for a couple of weeks while I found an apartment (which I move into this week)... and now the job search has to begin in earnest.

Sorry to have been gone so long... I really would have posted something BEFORE the adventure began, but I didn't expect to be away from my computer for so long.  Missed you all!!