Thoughts From Tess

Clear Vision

I've been thinking about the concept behind the often quoted phrase "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."  It's a phrase that even I have bandied about on occasion... but after giving it some focused thought and attention, I've decided that it just doesn't work for me.

Often times without having had something, there is no sense of loss... no sense of not having.  And so, we plod merrily about our day to day lives for the most part content with what we have.  There are so many things that I could... and would... be happy without today if only I had never had them.

I truly need to learn to focus on living in the moment.  There is so much that is missed when the past and the future obscure the day to day miracles.  I'm working on clear vision for today.

Live and Die

Found this in a forum... have no idea what it's from... or who originally wrote it... but I like it.

"I would die for you." he offered

"Oh really?" she replied, then continued "Just like you'd die for two
hundred million strangers... I'm not impressed."

A confused look inched its way across his face and then was gone.

"What I want to know..." she continued, "is will you live for me?"
"Live?"

"Yes, live... as in hammer a plowshare and take up farming!"

"Well there it is," he thought "no escape... no ledges or edges to
skirt."

Now backed into a corner with an unsoft finger poking square
in the chest, he had no coice but to answer.

"I cannot!"

Encore Flight

I know some of you have already read this from a past post... but I came across it today in my written version of my journal... and it spoke loudly... so here it is again...

"Come to the edge, he said

No we are afraid.

Come to the edge, he said.

No, we are afraid.

Come to the edge, he said.

They came,

He pushed them,

They flew.

- Guillaume Apollinaire

What a treasure it is to have those in our lives who will encourage us to the edge... those who will show us how high we can fly.  Fear sometimes screams so much louder than faith.  Fear drowns out hopes and dreams and security.  Fear is not to be nurtured or tolerated.  Fear will be there... but courage must be stronger... courage must win.  Courage, while it speaks softly, will always drown out the fear when given voice.  I'm at the edge... and I'm afraid... but I will fly.

Beginning

I sit here at the computer... forcing myself to write... something... anything.  For most of my life, writing has been the balm for my soul... whether in the dozens of journals packed safely away or here in this electronic realm.  And now... at a time when my soul is desperately seeking a safe haven... the words escape me.  That place deep inside that the words once rushed from now seems to be a gaping black hole... void of thought or solace.  So I made the conscious decision to put words in this white empty space... regardless of their emptiness... regardless of the random wandering.

It's a beginning.

Missing My Baby

My daughter has been away for the last two days... she comes home tomorrow.  She's only been a few hours away... just hanging out at my mom's in Southern California.  It's her Spring Break from school and since I had to work most of the week, it was a fun option for her... and they've been having a blast.  But I MISS her!!

I miss her companionship... her thoughtfulness... her sense of humor... the sound of the mischief that she and her brother conjure up together... heck, I even miss the moods!! 

She's become such a spectacular young lady... still 16, almost 17 and all that includes... but a person that I'm incredibly proud to call my daughter.  She's written a couple of things lately that I'm hoping she'll give me permission to share here... she's actually quite an excellent writer... and of course, I'm not at all biased  :)

Moving On

Goodness, this is not where I expected to be at this point in my life!!  I expected (almost) 45 to be a settled and secure place... not a place of constant upheaval and uncertainty.  When I sit and look at where my life was one year ago... and compare that to where my life is today... It kind of looks like a downhill slide.  And I grieve for what has been lost.

The good news is that I think I see myself and my life more clearly today than ever before... and I still see a lot of happy, positive things.  I also see things I need to do in order to keep moving forward in a positive way.  In a lot of ways, I've sold myself short... and I've settled.  If you've visited here in the past, you know how much I hate having to admit to that fact... settling is one of the things I've been committed to avoiding.  But somewhere in the process, that's what I've done.  I've accepted other people's rules... other people's conditions... even when they impacted my life in negative ways.  It's time to move on. 

I expect the moving on to be painful... but I also expect the results to be well worth the pain... a step back to owning who I am and what my life is about.  I think that sometimes we have to drift pretty far off center before we can clearly see how badly we're in need of a mid-course correction.

Looking Back

I used to think that the Biblical story of Lot and his wife was a bit curious.  After all, with fire raining down on them and their lives at risk, why on earth would they stop to look back?!?  And from all accounts, the city that they lived in had seen better days.  Yet, God saw fit to make the point of warning them not to look back... and yes, Lot's wife looked back... and was turned to a pillar of salt.

Today, I better understand the warning.  I understand that even when the goodbye has for all intents and purposes been said, it's hard to act upon.  Looking back is a strong desire... and holding on, no matter how wrong we know it may be, even stronger.  Even when we know that what we have isn't really ours, we keep clinging to it... either of desperation or hope... and neither is motivation enough to justify the act.

Happy Birthday, Daddy

Today is my father's birthday... he would have been 75 years old.  Instead he died at age 40, leaving behind a 13 year old daughter and a 10 year old son.  I miss him. 

He was a big man... with blue eyes that always twinkled... and a heart that always sang.  Many would say that I have romanticized his image over the years, but those that knew him know what I'm talking about.  He was a country boy, raised the son of a tobacco farmer... and imprinted with a sense of values that was just a part of who he was.

I wish my children could have known him... and I regret that the joy and  exuberance he would have brought to grandparenting is something they will never know.  Everytime I visit Tennessee, I visit his gravesite... and I have long conversations with him... filling him in on the details of my life since the last visit.  It isn't a sad visit... it's cathartic... therapeutic... and I somehow always leave feeling that he heard every word I said.  And every year on his birthday, I have new flowers placed on his headstone... simply because I love him... and I am thankful for the blessing of his presence in my life.

Our last exchange of words on that day 30 years ago consisted of "I love you, Daddy" on my way out the door to school... and his returned "I love you, Tessie".  I will always be thankful for that.  Many look at me and feel pity that I spent so many of my growing up years without a present father... I merely feel gratitude for the years I had... and the incredible man who I still call 'Daddy'.

New Beginnings

New beginnings are such amazing things.  So often we become complacent with where we are that we allow ourselves to surrender much of who we are.  The sacrifice often is silent and goes unnoticed.  A new slate with dozens of blank spaces to be filled offers so much opportunity for restoring our souls.  The tendency is most likely to merely fill in the blanks with the first thing that shows up... to duplicate the old... to stay with the familiar.  And how much is lost if we succumb to that temptation.

In choosing a new life in a new environment, I've learned that I'm not quite as unique as I believed myself to be... imagine that!!  In my 'old' life I was surrounded by people with values and goals that were radically different than mine... a life view that in no way resonated with who I know myself to be.

Faced with a situation that has required me to make new connections... step outside my comfort zone... and build new relationships, I'm finding that there are like-minded people in the world after all.  I'm even finding that some of them were right under my nose the entire time and that it just took a change of perspective to see that... the geographical change was just the catalyst.  There are people who believe the same things are important that I do... people whose priorities are similar to mine... people who organize their time around the same things that I value.  People with a deep current of something intangible and indefinable that runs through their every action and governs their choices and attitudes.

I've learned that while I can't have every whim of my heart... I can have the life I want... chock full of the things that I put value on and in.  I'm not helpless or dependent or witless or insignificant.  I am a woman who has been empowered to reach for the life she wants... a woman who deserves it... and is capable of reaching it.  My heart doesn't have to struggle with could have been's... or might be's... or that 'meantime living' that I talked about a few days ago.  My life is now... and it's just waiting for me to get on board.

The Poet Within

"If your daily life seems poor, do not blame it; blame yourself, tell yourself that you are not poet enough to call forth its riches."            - Rainer Maria Rilke

Came across this quote at 'My Name is Mommy' today... and had to pass it on.  How quick we are to blame the world for our dissatisfaction... when in fact, our contentment and happiness are always tucked safely within us.  We simply must be courageous enough to allow them their freedom.